And the Shit Just Keeps Coming

A couple of weeks ago, Tee and I went on a trip with the band to KC for this big pipes and drums shindig. There were competitions, and workshops, and a concert with some of the finest pipe and drum playing a person will ever witness in their lifetime. I’m extremely glad we went, and I’m looking forward to the possibility of going again next year.

We stayed in one of two hotels that were available for the event, and I’ve realized that if we do go again, there will be a few things that I will change, for my own good. The food situation was bleak, and seeing as how I love to eat, it was an issue. Tee is a vegetarian, so that was another issue. We’ll have to give more thought to which hotel we stay in (one has free breakfast, ours did not). The biggest issue was sharing a hotel room. It was all fun and I enjoyed socializing with the other girls, but let’s face it – four women and one bathroom? Well in the infamous words of my husband, “It sucked booty dick”. What IS booty dick, you may be asking yourself (as well you should), and my answer is this – it’s dick that’s been in a booty. Which is all fine – any way you like to shake it is good with me – just don’t expect me to put it in my mouth right after it’s been in a booty hole. Capiche? I suppose this is his way of saying sucking dick is all right, but sucking one covered in shit, well, that’s on the list of some of the grossest things possibly imaginable…and here we are, all of us, imagining it, in tandem. Because, come on, you know you are, and I certainly am….

And speaking of shit, and bathrooms – this had to be some of the worst trip-bathroom-incidents I’ve ever encountered. The trip out there wasn’t too bad, although some of the stinks were horrific. People always expect men to be the ones who drop the Death Con 5 of shit, but in my experience, it’s the women, and they are sloppy as fuck to boot. While we were staying at the hotel, we had several incidences where our room mates failed to take a head check before entering the facilities, to shower and change, leaving a few of us wishing for an adult diaper or bucket, at least. The last day we were there, the maid failed to replace one of the rolls of toilet paper, and I tried to remedy the situation by pulling off handfuls of toilet paper from the lobby bathroom, whilst drunk on all-you-can-drink-for-20-bucks draft beer, and sticking it in my pockets.

On the way back home after the event, our first stop at a gas station yielded two of those “one person at a time” kind of bathrooms. I made it in first, and the smell was…. intense. I also noticed that the previous occupant had left wrappings from her pad on the toilet paper dispenser. After I washed my hands, I went to throw the paper towels away and noticed (ok, I more than noticed, the fucker nearly reached up and slapped me in the titties) that said previous occupant (AKA nastiest bitch alive) had left her already USED feminine pad on the TOP of a brimming trash can. Uncovered, unwrapped, and very full. Yeah. Worse than booty dick? You betcha! I hurriedly covered it up with paper towels, knowing that one of the girls in our group was only 8 years old, and I felt this might be a bit of a shocker for her.

Our next bathroom stop was at a Subway, where we also had dinner. Tee went back to the bathroom, which was again, a “one person” bathroom. I was next, and as we passed in the hallway, she told me to be prepared to “hover”. My first thought was that she herself had “hovered” and pissed all over the seat. Being a mother, I said “Why didn’t you wipe it off?” To which she responded, “Cuz I didn’t do it!” Once inside the bathroom, I saw what she meant – a toilet bowl sprayed with excrement. I’m telling you, women are fucking FOUL.

As we left the restaurant, it was dark by then, and we noticed a large pickup truck that was piled high with all kinds of various junk. The pile was at least 5 feet high over the top of the bed. I think we all noticed what was strange about it at exactly the same time, just as one member of our group said, “Hey look! Hoarders!”…..I walked around our van to get a better look and saw legs sticking straight out the back….deer legs that is…a dead one, right on top of the pile just above the cab of the truck. Frozen so stiff that all four legs were sticking straight out. I stared for a moment, disbelieving my eyes, then turned to get back in the truck. That’s when I saw it. A second deer, this one obviously male, with a moderately sized rack, near the tail end of the truck and also frozen stiff, only this one had a lot of blood oozing out his back end. And that is definitely WAY worse than booty dick.