I Would Rather Be Living in a Cardboard Box Under a Bridge Right Now

I don’t have a lot of friends. Now, this may or may not come as a surprise. Could it be because I am a Sagittarius and notoriously somewhat bitchy shitty an asshole abrasive ….blunt? Could it be because I am a semi hermit who rarely leaves the house and only socializes within a very small circle of equally hermit-like people? Could it be that I spend too much time on the internet and most of the people I consider my real friends are the 2D type? Or could it be that I seem to attract only those people on the planet who, by virtue of their own offensive quirks, also have no friends, and so I spend so much time trying to avoid these types, that I have no time left for the people I can actually stand to be around?

My neighbor, Chatty Patty, came over last night, and of course, we had the patio door open and the curtain closed. I don’t know how many times I have to tell her not to knock on that door. Now, we have a dog. A loud, yappy, barky as fuck, little dog. And anyone who comes on that patio gets him riled up, especially when that person comes over and KNOCKS on it as loud as they can. I think the fear that she would accidentally let him out was the only reason she didn’t just open it and come right in. (She’s not scared of the wee little thing.) I even got onto her about it this time too. When I told her not to knock on that door, she said, “Then what am I supposed to do?” How about you stop coming the fuck over here, bitch knock on the front door like everyone else? “Oh, ok.” (Oh, Lord, please keep me hand from reaching up of it’s own accord and slapping this moron.)

Her appearance reminded me of an episode earlier this summer that I totally forgot to blog about. (Alright, so I’m just a fat ugly whore who chose not to blog at all. Sue me.) I had gone to band one night without Tee. I can’t remember why but she was either working or not feeling well. At any rate, since I only go personally for the lessons and don’t play in the circle yet (yeah I know – STILL. I’m a fucking loser) so I don’t have to stay as late as when she goes with me. I decided to stop at the grocery store on the way home, and that’s when Patty called me. I reluctantly answered. Believe me, I wanted to hit ignore, but I have learned that by avoiding her calls, she just leaves annoying voicemails, calls my home number, comes over and knocks on the door, and basically won’t leave us the fuck alone until she gets to speak to me, and then asks me why I’m mad at her. Right now you can imagine me convulsing, eyes rolled back in my head, foaming at the mouth over this behavior. It drives me so fucking crazy, I can’t tell you.

Anyfuck, she calls, I answer. She asks me what we’re having for dinner, and I say that I’m not at home, I’m at band since it’s fucking Thursday and I’m always at band on Thursday. “Oh.” she says. “I just hoped maybe you were having pizza for dinner, so I could have a piece.” Commence more eye rolling and foaming at the mouth. This is really not unusual for her. She has done this before, and because she always gives us a few dollars for the two pieces she eats, it’s really no big deal. Other than the fact that by letting her eat with us, in essence it’s like throwing a dog a bone. She’s going to keep coming back for more.

I tell her that I didn’t know what we were having, but I’d call MJ and get back to her. He was pissed, but not adverse to the idea of having pizza. He ordered some and went to pick it up. He got home with it right about the time I arrived home from the grocery store and I put two pieces of pizza on a disposable plate to take next door to her. She answered her door in her nightgown. Right away I know I’m in for it, because this is “Depressed Patty”. “Happy Patty” has her hair done, makeup on, teeth in, clean clothes on. “Depressed Patty” opens the door without her partial in, and wearing an old threadbare nightgown that is almost see-thru and usually has food on spilled on it.

She lets me in with the pizza, which I set on the counter, and she right away starts chatting, because after all, that’s her M.O. She goes into a tirade about her son, and how they were going to Hilton Head for vacation, and she was felt let down that she didn’t get invited. I won’t go over all the gory and unbelievably boring ass details because I don’t want to cause any of you to also fall prostrate to the ground, gnashing your teeth and vomiting spontaneously. I say all the soothing things I can think of, trying to talk her down off the ledge, but inside, I’m thinking “SHUT THE FUCK UP SO I CAN GO EAT DINNER, YOU INCONSIDERATE BITCH. I DON’T GIVE HALF A RAT’S ASS ABOUT YOUR SON. I HOPE HE TELLS YOU TO GO FUCK YOURSELF.”

She goes on and on, actually in tears a few times, but not so prostrate with hurt feelings that she can start eating her pizza. With a fucking fork. And knowing that I had just gotten home and that pizza was also going to be MY dinner, and that I hadn’t gotten to fucking eat any.

She moved on to telling me how lonely she is. I’m sure this was an attempt to garner my pity, but it did the opposite really. I asked her why she stopped going to church, which was her only socialization. Her excuse was some long winded story about how the pastor at her church gives the same sermon 3 times every Sunday, and she finds that offensive. She assumes that he is supposed to be writing 3 different sermons, one for each service he gives every Sunday. I was blown away by this, but I said that shouldn’t matter as much as the personal aspect of being able to socialize with like minded people. She then said that she doesn’t tithe, and that “we” do nothing for God, so why should “He” do anything for us? That’s when I became offended myself and went home. I was no longer going to be polite and listen to her lump me in with her sorry ass. She has no IDEA what I do for God, or how much money I give to the church. And it’s none of her fucking business.

A few weeks later, Patty went on vacation. With her son and his family. To Hilton Head. It was a glorious 10 days, but you wouldn’t believe how pissed I was that I had to stand there for an hour, listening to her whiney ass complain about that damn vacation, and how her son’s MIL gets to make all the plans for everything and she feels like a third wheel and can’t afford to pay her own way and if they invited her now, it would just be out of pity………..and she went anyway.