Is There Such A Thing As An Asshole Exterminator?

While we were visiting my brother, I got a phone call from Chatty Patty. She asked me if I wanted to go to the dollar store with her. Besides the fact that I was in another fucking state, the answer would have still been no. I have learned my lesson about going out in public with that psycho, and it amazes me each time she asks me, because ever since the shoe incident, the answer has consistently been NO every single time.

I said no, I couldn’t because I was in VIRGINIA, remember??? Oh right, she did remember that….would I be able to bring her something back like a tshirt, that said DC on it? Ummm, NO. Sorry, but not going to DC. According to her, I probably wouldn’t even have to go into DC, to find some place that sold stuff with DC on it. Except, I wasn’t there to go fucking shopping. I was there to go to my niece’s birthday party and have two days of vacation before going into hoarder hell for a week. The truth is – we DID go into DC, and we went to a museum, and I bought my sister a present, and do you know WHYI did that? Because she’s my sister, not some crazy ass fucking old broad that won’t leave me alone. Sister gets presents, Patty gets shit.That’s how it works.

Patty asked me when I’d be back in town, and I said, “Not until NEXT weekend. I’m going to WV for about 5 days before I come home, to help my {relatives by marriage}move.” I’m guessing this didn’t sink in, because MJ and Tee did come home, and that must have confused her. She showed up the day after they got home, walked right up to the patio screen door, and tried to open it. It was locked of course. She could see MJ sitting at his desk (working – a concept she can’t seem to fucking comprehend, we both work from fucking home) and said, “Heeeeey, MJ, where’s Aunt Juuuuuuuicebox?” “She’s out of town.” he tells her. Patty gives him a shitty “whatever” look, pointedly turns and looks at my car, which is parked within spittin’ distance of the patio, and looks back at him with her eyebrow arched in disbelief. “No, really, she’s not here.” “Well, when will she be back?” “Not sure.”  He ignores her and she finally goes away.

That Friday, as we were on our way to the urgent care so I could have my foot looked at and get a tetanus shot, Patty calls my cell phone, tearfully asking me when I’d be home. HOLY FUCK BITCH, LEAVE ME ALONE! I said I’d be home in a few days probably, and as I was about to tell her I had to go because I needed to get a tetanus shot, she launches into a tirade about how she hates it when I’m gone, and I wasn’t allowed to go away anymore, and it had just been a really, really bad day for her….so I interrupted her with “Look, I gotta go, I’m going to the urgent care to get a tetanus shot.” “Oooooh nooooo, what happened?”……”You called me one too many times and I tried to gouge my face off with a rusty saw blade rather than fucking TALK to you again!” GAAAAAAAAAAAAAH

We actually got home on Saturday, but Patty rarely leaves the house on the weekends, and we didn’t see her car move until Monday, so she probably wasn’t even aware we were home. I suppose I should count myself lucky that she didn’t bebop right over here any sooner, but she did show up last night. We had the sliding glass door open, but the screen door was closed and LOCKED, with the curtains closed. We were in the living room when the dog went over to the door and I heard, very clearly, someone trying to open that fucking screen door. Of course, I knew it was Chatty Patty, but it could have easily been fucking Dexter. The dog starts barking like crazy, and Tee goes over and picks him up, admonishing him for barking, and as she did, the curtain moved and I saw the bottom of Patty’s legs. I asked Tee if someone was out there, in an incredulous voice, and she says, “I don’t know.” But I’m pretty sure she saw her too, so she sighs loudly and pulls back the curtain, and there stands Chatty Patty with a very sour look on her face.

Tee lets her in, and she just plops her ass right on the sofa. MJ and I both have our laptops open, working (which is, you know, how we keep the lights on and shit, but who gives a fuck, right?) but she doesn’t even ask if we’re working because nothing short of me actually throwing her out the door was going to get her to move. She chats for a few minutes, asks me about my foot, and then says she just wanted to “put it in our ear” that there were bedbugs and lice in the building. She skirted my questions about who in the building had them, but I’m pretty sure that the bedbugs are in the unit where her “friend” lives, and that the lice are on her grandchildren. I came to that conclusion, because the only person she annoys besides us is that one “friend”, and she seems to think that “black children can’t get lice”…..I’m not too sure about that, but those children are mixed, and I don’t know if that makes a difference, but they’re the only children in the building either way, so this leads me to believe they are the ones with bedbugs, if they aren’t the ones with lice. Patty made comments about going home to wash her hair with lice shampoo, and I asked her “Do YOU have lice Patty?” She seemed kind of upset about that and said no, she didn’t. And then got up to leave, after not saying anything for a few minutes.Who the fuck thinks they have lice and then goes into someone else’s house and sits on their furniture? I was at a loss for fucking words. She was just going to treat her hair “just in case”. Uh huh, right. What the fuck ever.

I have a friend who is an exterminator and I had said I wasn’t worried about bedbugs, because he treats them commercially and told me what to look for, I have a steamer, and I check my bed every time I change the sheets. She asked me if I have him come over and do any steaming, could I get him to come over to her place. I swear, she makes me want to punch myself in the fucking face. Get the fuck up off my cock, and call your own fucking exterminator, instead of trying to get free shit from people. I told her, I can do it myself, I’ll only call him if I see anything I think is bedbugs, and she might want to invest in a steamer if she was worried about it. MJ asked her again who has fucking bedbugs, because that’s something everyone in the building has the right to know. She refused to tell him. So tomorrow, he’s going to go to the homeowner’s association meeting, and tell them that Chatty Patty told us some mysterious asshole in the building has bedbugs, and won’t say who, so we’re assuming it must be………….HER.