Melissa Monday

I thought I’d get back into the groove of bitching blogging by telling a Melissa story. Why not? Those are always my favorites.

Last month was my husband’s birthday. The best part of the day was tricking him into believing he was a year older than he actually is. Ahhh, the joys of having a wife like me, I can’t imagine what it’s like for him.

We don’t really celebrate our own birthdays in a big way. I get him a few things he wants, or vice versa, and we might go out to dinner, something like that. I’ve never really been “into” birthdays, since I grew up having such shitty ones, you just kind of learn not to expect a fuss to be made over you. MJ is the same way. He prefers to just stay at home and be low key about it, although he does typically take the day off from work.

He happened to actually have the entire week off because it was his last week of vacation for the year and he almost always takes it in August. About two weeks before his birthday, we happened to stop by Melissa’s house to drop something off….it honestly slips my mind as to why we were there, as Lloyd wasn’t home, and it wasn’t a “visit”, just a drive-by while we were in the neighborhood. Melissa starts going on about MJ’s birthday and when did we want them to come over to have a party. We agreed the actual Monday his birthday fell on would be the best day, as we were expecting my sister to come into town a few days after that. Melissa was thrilled, because she loves a free meal, and she also loves to celebrate MJ’s birthday like it’s her own for some reason. This is similar to Christmas, when the gifts they give to MJ are obviously selected with much care, while they give myself and Tee whatever crap they can find at the thriftstore that still has the original price tag on it.

On the day of his birthday, I decided to make chili. This is one of the few things I can make that will feed us and their family of six. I browned the ground beef, filled up the crock pot, and viola. All the effort I can muster up for them these days. MJ wanted a carrot cake so he went out and bought a HUGE cake from the store. I mean, this was one monstrous cake. I personally don’t care for carrot cake, but it was his birthday, so he got what he wanted.

And so the morning goes by as planned, and I text Melissa to get some general idea of when they would be arriving, because Lloyd’s schedule is so unpredictable. She texted me back to say that their van was in the shop, and it was pretty bad, close to $1000 worth of repairs. She had called and told Lloyd about it and he was pissed. At HER. He was cussing her out and blaming the repairs on her. Luckily for them, they have one credit card, and it had a high enough limit that they could go ahead and repair the van. I would have thought this was a good thing, since they need that van, and if they hadn’t had that line of credit, they would have been completely and totally fucked. They have zero savings.

I couldn’t understand why Lloyd was so angry. It seemed to me that it had worked out in their favor. Melissa said she didn’t know if they could come over or not because Lloyd didn’t want to be around her, and that they didn’t have the gas money anyway. Again, I’m confused as hell, because they put the repair on a credit card….nothing out of pocket that day, so why didn’t they have gas money? And it was her idea to come over in the first fucking place. Plan ahead much?

Now, normally, I am pretty glad when they have to cancel, or about going as far between them coming to our house as possible. But I had just finished making 3 gallons of fucking chili for them, not to mention enough cake to choke a fucking donkey, and twelve 2 liters of soda, which I don’t drink. What was I going to do with it all??? We gave it our best effort, but only managed to eat half the cake. Ironically, we ended up taking it over to Melissa’s house, when we were in the neighborhood anyway, taking the dog to my mom’s house so she could dogsit for us.

The day after MJ’s birthday, which he happily spent planted in front of the TV, playing his brand new Man vs. Wild video game, and eating huge bowls of chili, Lloyd called him to apologize, and that’s when we finally heard the rest of the story.

I know I have mentioned in the past, that Lloyd and Melissa get a huge ass tax return every year, thanks in the most part to EIC. They use it mostly to wipe their asses with, but they do actually try to do a few repairs on their home, or van, or whatever they’ve been living with that’s been broken half the year. Sometimes they are forced to replace something expensive, like an entirely new (to them) vehicle, and for 3 years they had to pay off braces (because even broke ass bitches need straight fucking teeth, who cares what you’re going to fucking EAT with those perfect teeth, but that’s beside the point). This year, they had been planning to do 3 somewhat expensive things – replace their bedroom window which was leaking, pay off the bed they bought on credit, and repair their chimney. That chimney repair was the most expensive but had to be done as it was causing serious damage to their ceilings from water damage. And they did get it done.

However – they didn’t pay for it with their refund like Melissa told me they did at the time. They had to take out a loan for 3 grand, and so he was overly stressed about the idea of adding another $1000 credit card bill when they couldn’t pay their bills as it is. Now, that begs the question, “What the fuck did they do with the money from their refund?” $3000 is a lotta fucking chump change. And she had the nerve this summer to call me up and tell me her lawn mower was broken and they couldn’t afford a new one, and to ask me if I’d come over to visit her and bring her Chipotle for lunch, my treat of course. Now look. If my sister called me up and said, “Hey Juice, can ya bring me some Chipotle for lunch?” I’d say, “I’ll be right there, sister.” Shit, if anyone of my bloggy friends did it, or my mother, or fuck, some random stranger off the street might have a better chance of getting a free lunch out of me than Melissa would these days.

She babysat for her sister all summer. Her sister who lives 5 minutes away from me. Melissa texted me again late last week to ask me why we never come over anymore, even though I have told her 3 times now, that Tee works on weekends. Since she doesn’t drive, we have to be here to take her and it’s just not possible for us to come over there on weekends, and on weeknights Lloyd works too late for that to be feasible either. I told her she could come here anytime she wanted, and she tried to tell me that she can’t afford the gas. I know her sister paid her to babysit, and she tried to pretend it was only enough to pay for the gas, but I know her sister. She pays her very generously, even when dropping her son off at Melissa’s house to babysit. And seriously – 5 fucking minutes…you have to pass my house to get the highway. You didn’t stop because you didn’t need anything. And why is it ok for her to not want to spend gas money, but not us? I don’t have a free gas pump in my front yard, bitch. Or money falling out my ass the way she seems to think.

I’ve totally meandered from the birthday story, but everything with them is interconnected anyway. It’s always about the fucking money. We went over to my mom’s to drop off the dog, as I mentioned, and Melissa had actually texted me and asked me if we had any birthday cake left. No, I’m not kidding. She planned a birthday party at my house, didn’t show up, and then had the nerve to ask me for the leftovers. I was glad to give her the cake, though. She’s trying to lose weight.

When we got to their house, she was propped up on the loveseat, because she had pulled out a bunch of plants and bushes from the front yard and re-injured her bad knee. She said she had been planning to buy some flowers and mulch, but that was before the van broke down, and caused them to have another monthly bill they can’t afford. Typical Melissa. She always has big plans to do home improvement stuff that doesn’t work out and ends up half assed. Her front yard looks awful now.

Anyway, she’d been instructed not to let us leave until Lloyd could get home from work. I would have liked to try to see her stop us from leaving. Like I was going to acquiesce to Lloyd’s demands, when it was his fault they had to cancel, because he was having a conniption fit over a car repair. He showed up right after that, and we stayed long enough for MJ to open his “gifts”. Which included a small Star Wars themed lunch box with a package of Combos in it, and a small tin bucket with some nasty orange slice candy (and 2 or 3 Reese’s cups that came from a larger bag) and a smiley faced sucker. By the time we got back in the truck, I was ready to piss my pants from laughter.

It was such a nice gift, I think I’m going to give each of them something similar for Christmas this year. I think that’s very generous of me, don’t you?