The Axman Commeth…

For those of you who didn’t know this, I have a daughter who is 17 (SEVENTEEN) fucking years old. That makes me a dinosaur. At least, on the outside. On the inside I’m still only a 17 year old myself (and if I close my eyes, I have the body of one as well). Due to the unbelievably advanced age of this child, we are in the process of figuring out how the bloody hell we’re going to send her to college.

She applied to the college she wanted to go to, and a few weeks ago received her acceptance letter. We had no doubt this would happen, however we put zero acceptance of REALITY behind that notion, mostly because our life is a financial nightmare right now. The ticket price of this college experience is roughly $12 grand a year, plus or minus. Because of her ACT scores and grade point average, Tee will qualify for at least $4k from the school. However, we needed to fill out FAFSA in order to find out how much she may get in grants, how much we’ll be expected to contribute, etc. This was all fine and good in CONCEPT, until we discovered that form had to be filled out by February 15th. Not according to FAFSA, but for the specific college she’s planning to attend.

February 15th, people. I didn’t even get my 1099 from my employer until the 7th. And it was postmarked February 1st on top of that. So I’ve got a week to find time to get my taxes done and fill out the fucking form? UN FUCKING REAL. Pissed doesn’t cover it.

On Friday night, we hop on over to our nearest “chain” branch of tax accountants, and get signed in. We wait for maybe a half an hour , which I didn’t think was too bad considering it was a Friday night, and they only take walk ins. I knew we were in trouble as soon as the guy takes us back to his station, and says, “You’ve got a few things here that I’m not sure about, and I’ll have to get help from someone else, but we can get you started.” He says this as he holds up our real estate tax thingy, and my 1099. GREAT. The VERY reason we even fucking came to a professional in the first place was because we needed help with some of this stuff.

We sit down and he explains that he is new to that office, however, an hour and a half into our THREE FUCKING HOUR TOUR he lets it slip that’s he’s been there for 6 months. WHAT.THE.FUCK? That is NOT new in my book. That’s long enough to know how to use the computer system they have there. It’s also long enough to know that when someone has their taxes done by your business, you should select “The Name of the Business” from the drop down menu and not “SELF” (which was enough to screw up the ENTIRE return). It’s also long enough to know that if you follow me to the counter at the end of all this, hover over me as we pay your ri-fucking-ass-raping-diculous prices, and then offer me coupons to a pizza place I don’t even LIKE to assuage my pissed off demeanor, you are likely to get those coupons stuffed up your fucking ass! And it’s bad enough that my husband makes me feel like I live in the land of giants, you are just a FUH-REAK of nature, standing over me with you size 16 clown shoes. And you are, indeed, the Ass Clown of the Tax Prep Arena.

Ok, I’mma take a deep breathe and let go of some rage here. OOOOOOMMMMMMMMM

Nope.

The guy fucked up so much shit, we’re not even sure it was right. MJ is going to redo it with Turbotax or something, just to double check. We did get some help from two of the other accountants there, and I figured out how to do some of it in preparation for next year. And at least I got the information I was after – how much we owed in taxes, so I could go home and do the FAFSA.

Yeah, right.

I did go home and do it, and I submitted it. And then we get the report back, saying that when we file our taxes, we should go back in and give them access to our form on the IRS website, and maybe that would change her status. Which was….wait for it…waaaaaaiiiiiit for iiiiiiiiiiiit…

NOT FUCKING ELIGIBLE FOR PELL GRANTS.

We went through Tax Preparer Hell just so I could find out I may as well not even have fucking BOTHERED.

I didn’t realize I had selected “will file” instead of “filed” so I went back in to change it, but when I got out to the IRS website and entered my information, it said that the information I gave them DID NOT MATCH, and they couldn’t give me access. I copied the information straight from the documents we got from the tax preparer. Maybe it hasn’t been long enough and I need to try again in a week. Or maybe I’m going to have to go back up to that office and shove that guy’s clown shoes down his throat to find out what else he fucked up.

But really, I don’t think it’s going to change anything either way, because the tax information is true, and they based her eligibility off of it, and that will be the same. I don’t think they will magically change their minds just because they can see the actual tax form.

I’m just mind boggled. Raymond qualified for $2300 in Pell grants. His parents make as much money as we do, and granted, they have 3 more kids than we do, but Raymond has almost as much in savings as Tee, and he has a job, which Tee currently doesn’t. I expected her to at least get $1000 if not a little more. But she gets nothing?

I’m not trying to be a bitch here, I’m really not, but I know there are a lot of people out of work right now who, instead of taking a job that pays less money, have decided to go back to college and work towards another degree, or finishing the old one, whatever. FINE. But there’s only so much government funding to go around. Our expected contribution is $5530. I don’t even know if I will have a job by the summer, and what’s worse, neither does MJ. His company is being sold, and he might be fucked. Please tell me in what sphere of reality, my daughter doesn’t qualify for any grant? I know THREE adults who have gone back to school recently rather than get a McJob, and they ALL got fucking grant money.

And please, do NOT try to justify that shit to me. It makes NO sense. Do not tell me you think it’s ok to sit on your ass on unemployment for two years because YOU are worth $17 an hour, and just can’t take $12 an hour and then decide to go back to school when your unemployment finally expires, and you don’t have an excuse to stay home and play fucking WOW all day anymore. So you finally decide, ok, maybe I CAN take that job making less money because it’s better than NO money. Only you could have taken it two fucking years ago, and been building up seniority, and benefits, and vacation time and retirement, and earning raises, because sadly, that’s how LIFE is, YOU DON’T MAKE IT TO THE TOP, IF YOU AREN’T WILLING TO START OUT AT THE FUCKING BOTTOM, YA LAZY ASS FUCKIN HIPPIE!

Does this mean my daughter won’t go to college? Not at all. It just means that she’ll have to take out more in loans than we had expected, and I’ll be eating a lot of ramen noodles. Upside – maybe I can blog about the effects of an all ramen noodle diet.