Well, At Least I Didn’t Fart

I parked my car and as I got out and walked across the parking lot to the walking trail, I realized – I have a wedgie. I look back surreptitiously, glancing at my car parked in the closest shady spot in the lot. It was sunny, but cold as fuck outside that day, yet out of habit, I park out of my way just to park in the shade. My car is there, alone, and no one else is around so…..I reach around and try to dislodge the offending britches from the crack of my ass. I take a few more steps and stop, nope, still wedgied. I try again, this time more successful in my wedgie removal efforts, after doing a slight jump and jig maneuver to really get a good grasp on my drillies through the slick fabric (admittedly slick because it’s stretched tight like a drum over my ginormous ass cheek) and finally pull them back into the proper position. I look up just as I’m finishing this dance, and that’s when I notice them. Three young men seated on the bike racks near the head of the trail. They’re looking right at me.

This was even more embarrassing than the time a few days earlier when I was walking along, listening to my music with headphones on, singing along, when an elderly couple passed me on the left. I don’t know which part was worse – the fact that they heard me singing, or that they fucking passed me, and the woman was using a cane.

I’ve had some trials and tribulations during my daily walking. I started out walking very early in the morning, as you may recall from waaaaaaaay back in my last post. My fear of early morning rapists was replaced with my fear of bears. At first I thought the rustling in the leaves was just the wind, some birds, a few squirrels I saw along the path. The one morning I heard something very loud, running through the woods, crunching leaves and breaking branches. It scared the shit out of me, and I jumped around to see 3 deer running as fast as they could through the woods. Obviously, running from a bear. Then a few days later, I heard a bear behind me, chasing me, his claws clicking on the pavement. I turned around, and instead of a bear, there were two small dogs being walked by their owner. But it could have just as easily been a bear. And before you try to tell me that there ARE no bears in Ohio, let me show you this. There were at least 55 bears in Ohio 9 years ago, so just imagine how many more there must be today, thousands I bet, and I know one is living in Joyce Park. I mean, bears like woods right? And berries. And water. And they probably eat squirrels. I don’t know that for sure, I’m just saying. If I were a bear, I’d eat some annoying ass squirrels just out of spite. Joyce Park has all the good stuff bears like, such as tasty, unsuspecting pedestrians who can’t outrun them.

I’m a little worried about walking at the park in general, because as of Nov. 1st, they closed the public bathrooms for the season! I’m only there for a couple of hours at most each time I go, but for the past two weeks, I had been having some serious gastric distress almost every time I went to the park. I had to run to the bathroom several times. At first I thought my stress over rapists and bears chasing me was causing my bowels to want to empty themselves in order to make me lighter on my feet just in case I had to actually try to run. However, over the weekend, I may have accidentally discovered the real source of my troubles.

Beef jerky. You’ve eaten it, right? I have too. Love the shit. If only they made bacon jerky. The best part about beef jerky is that it’s meat. The second best part is that it’s portable. I can leave it in my car along with bottled water, and when I get hungry, I can eat some as a semi low carb kind of snack. We were shopping at Walmart one day when we discovered they had huge bags of it. We got two of them, and I put one in my car. I opened it and it took me about 3 weeks to finish it all. I would eat some before I went for my walk, and it never dawned on me that it was causing my stomach to be upset. Until I was sitting here on Saturday, with the second bag of beef jerky, eating a piece. I turned the bag over, totally randomly, and read the words


Only, it wasn’t written that big, and it was underneath everything else. Plus…….what.the.fuck? I have never seen beef jerky that had to be refrigerated before in my life. I had been eating out of that bag for 3 weeks, well over the number of days one must either consume or refrigerate it, giving myself a small dose of food poisoning 3-5 days each week.

I’ve continued trying to walk, slowly increasing my number of steps. Each day at the park I walk just a little bit further on the trail before I turn back and walk the other way. I hate every minute of it. It hurts my back, it hurts my legs, it gives me diarrhea, I’m embarrassed by how slow I am, and oh yeah, the trees are boring as fuck to look at. It’s good for my health though, and I’m going to keep doing it even if it kills me.